I want to talk about the stress

that comes from dealing with a family member with mental illness. Depending upon their condition, it can strike suddenly or simmer constantly. In my life the stress comes in waves. Of course, there is the ongoing stress of being a caregiver (on some level).  All the decisions are generally made by me. So I am at the head, regardless of what is happening. That in and of itself brings stress. My husband doesn't know the multiple hats I wear on a daily basis. Sometimes I resent that. The times of absolute relief are when he is hospitalized and the times of sheer survival is when we wait, for that day that he is better or requires hospitalization. These times are what you could refer to as torture. Then there is the constant anxiety when things are going well. When will the next shoe drop? When will the smooth ride end? I have learned to accept the good times without worry. I take it day by day. Yes, I still secretly look at him to watch for the signs... too many smiles or talking to himself. It has taken a long time for me to enjoy his happiness without suspicion. I have to admit that in many ways my fear has come upon me. Like when CPS asked that my children not be with me while they investigated me! Not my husband, they know he has a problem, they were looking at my judgement. This lasted a full weekend, as the social worker was presented with a letter from the psychiatrist that I had obtained prior to his release. My collateral's could tell her the steps that I walk through to make sure that my children are always safe. I had my ducks in a row and the case was dismissed, quickly. I faced my ultimate fear and I sailed through it. So what I can tell you is that my new mantra is "It is what it is." I used to anguish over whether someone would call CPS because of my husband's illness. It came to pass and it was nothing compared to what my fear wanted to make it. So someone calls them? You do what you do anyway, watch for the signs, leave if you need to, get your loved one to the hospital, whatever it takes to get you though the crisis. But you must understand this... you cannot do it alone. You need a support system. I always brought the school into it to help weather the storm. When my husband was missing, I contacted the counselor and let her know that my children were scared. I alerted the office that he should not be showing up there. When he was found, I let her tell them that he was alright, that he was in the hospital or whatever the situation was. I leaned on them and they were a good support. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Find someone that you can trust to tell your deepest fears to. Do not carry this burden alone. And most of all, trust your heavenly father. He will cover you where you cannot cover yourself. He will alert you to steps you must take. Listen to your spirit and you will know what to do. Keep yourself and your children safe, above all else. Your loved one will be better eventually, you have to take care of yourself. That means letting go sometimes. Enlist the help of MHMR or similar programs and let go of the control. Life will get better and your family will stay intact due to your efforts...